Steal My Heart

During my workout, I was listening to a song called "Stolen" by Brandon Heath, and as my mind tends to do, it wandered onto the deeper meaning of what the song means.

It's such a romantic term, to steal one's heart. To steal means to take that which is not yours, to have it in your possession, to take without permission. "How does one steal a heart?" I thought to myself. "Why don't we just say you became dedicated or decided to single out one person for your affections? No, we say stolen.

As I thought about it more, it started to become clear to me. When you fall in love with someone, it's not by any choice of yours. You don't line up a bunch of people and pick out the one that would be best suited to you. No, rather you get to know someone, their strengths and weaknesses, their flaws and their perfections, and then you begin to fall in love with them. Never has one picked out the perfect person based solely on rational thinking and consideration for what their present and future self requires. It's always a general acceptance of a completely random person. In other words, they steal your heart. They take that which is not theirs.

Then I began to think of this on a grander scale, that is, love between man and his Creator. God's heart wasn't "stolen" by us in the way I just described, but He still chose to love us despite how messed up we are. When you meet someone and fall in love with them, you might tell them about a lot of your flaws, and they might see some of them first hand. But God KNOWS every single screwed up thing about you, and He loves you anyways. That is the most amazing type of love I have ever heard of. Even when you've done something so horrible that you hate yourself, God still loves you. When you keep making the same mistake over and over, He still loves you. He doesn't love you because of what He might get out of you now or later.

Turn things the other way around, and things become a bit more complicated. The song's main focus was the love we as humans have for God. This is where the whole heart thief thing comes back, because falling in love with God can be the same process. God doesn't have any flaws we have to look past or learn to love over time, but being a Christian does come with a lifestyle, a label, a rejection from friends and family, and rejection from the things of this world. You can have peace, fulfillment  real true love, but you'll have to deal with living in a world that hasn't experienced the love you have. You have to let God steal your heart, to have full possession of it no matter what sort of crap you'll have to deal with later. Fall irrationally in love with Him and give Him your whole heart.

I believe God made the human emotion/act of love so we can understand what it is He feels for us, and what we should feel for Him. When I love my boyfriend, my siblings, my parents...all these different kinds of love give me a glimpse into the love He has for me. It's truly amazing to think I have a God like Him.

Haiti Podcast Part 1

Good afternoon all you lovely people. Thanks for coming to my blog, today is a special edition of The Sckpanhead Blog, if only because I have advertised the crap out of the video below. As some of you know, I will be going to Haiti on a mission trip this summer, and I felt now would be a good time to let you know some more details, and for me to make a personal appearance. The video below is the first in a series of podcasts I will be doing about Haiti and how YOU can help me this summer without even leaving your house. So....enjoy the random, and I'm sorry for mumbling, I felt a little odd talking to myself in my room.

God-Sized Easter

“Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.”
~2 Timothy 2:15

One thing that keeps coming up in church and my personal study is “God-sized mission”. It’s when God gives you a task that seems impossible or too hard for you to accomplish on your own. It’s when you know you’re supposed to be doing something but refuse to do it because you’re afraid of failing or being humiliated in front of people. A good example of this is my church’s new children’s ministry. They wanted to raise a ridiculous amount of money to give the kids an amazing experience every Sunday when they came to church. It would make kids excited about coming to church. It would be awesome. But the money…it was a God-sized mission for sure. Still, I remember every Sunday they would encourage the church to give to this new project. The expected launch date was Easter Sunday 2012.

That Sunday is two days away, and I’m proud to be a part of that launch. Somehow, even though the church fell short of the money goal, they pulled it together, and as someone on the inside, it’s going to be incredible. I’m excited, and I’m not even one of the kids! It was inspiring to see so many people volunteer their time and money to help this thing come together. It’s something we as humans could have never done on our own, but God’s power is, was, and will be, shown through this ministry for a long time.

That’s the point of this whole thing, the focus of God-sized missions. They’re things you could never do on your own, things that take a heck of a lot of faith. But when it’s done, you and the people around you can see that there’s only one reason why this mission worked: the power of God. God-sized missions are your chance to let God work in you and through you to accomplish something that will bring glory to His name more than anything you could have done on your own. It’s a time for us to lay everything at His feet and say, “Okay God, this looks pretty impossible, but I know You are much more capable than I am.”

I like to think of the day that Jesus died when Good Friday comes around (dur). The disciples must have been pretty bummed out. They had just seen their God, their leader, their teacher, and their good friend murdered in a horrible way. They must have been confused. Jesus had promised them he would be with them for a long time. What were they supposed to think of those promises now? Jesus was dead!

Jesus could have left it at that. I mean, he spent a good deal of time showing God’s power to thousands of people doing things that could only be explained by the power of God. But he had something greater in mind. Sure, dying in front of his disciples and all these other people seemed like a pretty bad thing. But after three days in the grave (days I’m sure felt like a bazillion years to the disciples), he made the ultimate display of power by coming back to life. He defeated the one thing no man has ever been able to get away from. He defeated death! THAT is a God-sized mission for sure, where God’s love and power were displayed in the most incredible way I’ve ever seen.

This of course, all ties to my upcoming trip to Haiti. I tried for months to ignore the call of God to go to a different country. I was scared. What if I make a big deal out of it and don’t raise enough money? What if God calls me to be a missionary permanently? What if I get sick and die? What if this, what if that? And then all this stuff about God-sized missions started coming up. In church, in my bible study, in the home bible study I go to, pretty much everywhere I was hearing those exact words. I knew God was giving me one of those missions, and it was time for me to respond. I’m trusting God to do something greater and bigger than anything I could plan and put together on my own. He’s just using me to bring glory to His name in a crazy way. I’m simply along for the ride.

Hey, God freaking raised Jesus from the dead. How could I think for even one moment that He couldn’t send me to Haiti? That’s like, insanely easy for Him.

Have a great Easter.

My Lame Lame-ness

I haven't posted since February?!?!? Goodness me, what is wrong with me? I'm very sorry for neglecting this blog. I'm not giving up on it by any means, I've just been really lazy these past few months. That's all going to change however, and the change is going to start on this blog.

Starting now through August, this blog is going to be transformed into your personal update center on my upcoming trip to Haiti. Yep, I'm leaving the country. Just today I got accepted for a mission trip with my church, and I couldn't be more excited. God has done some pretty insane stuff in my life, but honestly, nothing I've done so far took this much faith. If I'm going to be honest with you, I'm scared. I'm scared of not raising enough money, scared of going to an unfamiliar place, and scared that God might just change my life. But He's called me to it, and getting accepted was just another confirmation of this huge thing He wants me to do.

I'll be posting more and more details as I get farther along. For now, I would be honored to have your prayers. I'll be setting up an email list soon that you can sign up for if you'd like to get personal updates and a support letter. If not, I'll return to my weekly Friday posting this week, so you'll hear a lot from me either way. My fund raiser info will also have a separate page on the blog that you can order from. I'm going to try my hardest not to beg for money, but it's not easy raising $2,000. Any financial help you can give would be amazing.

My trip is July 6-15. Not much time to prepare my body and my heart, but I'm trusting that God is about to do crazy stuff in my life. We'll have to see where He takes me.

In The Aftermath

Didn't you all love the invisible post last week? What? You didn't see it? -_-

This past Tuesday was a day of love: either to love your significant other with cheep gifts, or to love hating the day because you're single...again. I think some people call it Valentines Day, and it's one of the more uncomfortable holidays. This was the very first year I actually had a "Valentine", as it were, so I got to see the other side of this holiday. I don't know where you are in life, single, in a relationship, married, or divorced, but there were a lot of things I observed this week that completely changed my outlook on February 14th.

The first one is that people in general are hungry. They're hungry for love and acceptance, someone to stand by their side no matter what. Hungry for someone to be their one and only, to cherish for as long as they live (or as long as their feelings last). The whole holiday seems to be a matter of trying to fill up the holes in your heart that God has intentionally placed there to be filled with the love of other people.

But in the excitement of it all, we often forget that the biggest hole in our hearts can never be filled by any person, no matter how much we love them. We are creations meant to be in a love relationship with our Creator, and no humanly love is ever going to satisfy that desire.

After the holiday was over, I had to take a breather. Something still didn't feel right, even though I'd spent the whole day with someone I loved. No, I'd neglected my first love, the love of my Father, and let me tell you, that's one relationship that will never break your heart.

He loves you like no other. He'll never leave you, EVER. There will never be anyone better than you in His eyes. He will always think you're beautiful, because He made you! If you're single right now, He'll be all that you need until the right person comes along. If you're married or in a relationship, He'll show you the kind of love you should be showing to your significant other. However you find yourself at the end of it all, He'll be there, and He still loves you.

It's a short blog this week, but I figured there'd be a lot of you who forgot why it is that you still feel empty. I just wanted to remind you that your Savior is waiting for you, and in His arms is the best place you can be. <3

Quackamuno

Have you ever made up a word? I have just now done that very thing. The word is "quackamuno" (cwak-ah-MOOn-O), and it means "to become a duck or show duck like behavior after consuming duck soup".

This week, I challenge you to use this word in your every day vocabulary, and let me know how it goes.

Examples:

Uncle Fred has gone quackamuno.

Doesn't that celebrity have a habit of quackamuno?

Quackamuno is fun to do with my friends.

A Premiere of Sorts

I’ve wanted to do a video series for a while now, but until now, I haven’t had a subject, a camera, or the proper editing tools at my disposal. With the purchase of my 3DS (with a handy dandy inward camera) and a brand new computer from my father, I finally have the means to create a video series! I’ve decided to name it “Questions I Would Like To Be Answered”, in which I more or less discuss and answer a question I have. I’ve decided to post one every month on the last Sunday. This video counts for this Sunday, by the way.

Before you watch it, please keep in mind that although I’m not new to video editing, I am new to this particular editing program, and not everything worked out exactly the way I wanted. I’ll be working to figure out this program as we go along, so I’m hoping the episodes will gradually get better. The camera on my 3DS isn’t super great, but you won’t be able to tell in this video. ;) Lastly, I love the song I picked to open this video, but I don’t think it’s a fitting theme song for me. If you know of a good song for the opening of this series, please let me know. Thanks! You guys rock!!

Problems and Answers

Empty.

I just feel empty. The things that filled me up are gone, and I can’t find anything to replace them with. The things I do have all seem so far away, too far to find the comfort I need. For three years now, I’ve tried to let people in. I’ve tried to love like I need to be loved in return, but I’ve been hurt too bad to truly let anyone into my heart.

I can count the people I trust and know really care about me on one hand. Most of them are more than an hour away from me. I’m just tired of trying to be alright. I’m tired of trying to act like everything’s fine. But mostly, I’m tired of being told it’s my fault. It wasn’t my choice to be where I am now! If I’d had any say in things, I’m sure I’d be in a very different place right now. The walls I’ve built around my heart are my fault, yes. I’ll admit to that. But I built them because of circumstances that had nothing to do with my decisions. I’m the one left cleaning up the mess made from other people’s actions, and I hate it. I’m told not to do this or that, because I’ll just make mistakes of my own. But I’d much rather be cleaning up my own mess than taking the heat for everybody else’s.

I just want to know what God’s doing. I know that in His perfect timing He’ll let me know what’s going on, but I feel so useless right now. I wonder if the world would really care if I disappeared. I wonder if I’ll ever make the impact I’ve always dreamed of making. My hopes and plans for the future all seem so out of reach right now.

I don’t have the answers. I wish I did. But there’s this verse that keeps coming up in Ephesians that says, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” I don’t know about you, but I tend to imagine some pretty big things. And therefore, I tend to ask God for some pretty big things. My dreams are far from being small. I think that’s the reason why I end up being so down most of the time. I have so many things that I want to accomplish in my lifetime, and sometimes those things seem so big or so far out of reach that I get discouraged. But It says right here in this verse, that God is able to do all that and more! He knows that I want to do all this crazy stuff for Him, but He also knows exactly what He wants me to do for Him. I have been praying about making a big step in my life that I know will help me better serve God in the areas He’s gifted me in, and I know God’s been telling me to do it. I know He’s got something ginormous for me to get done, and I think it’s going to be soon.

I’m probably sounding silly, having such a small problem with such a big answer. An answer I already know at that. But you know what? Life is hard. I know it, I’m sure you know it, and I just wanted to say that I’ve been there too. God never said in that verse that it was going to be easy. All He said is that it’s by His power that we will bring Him glory. I hope that someday, I can look back on this time and say, “Wow, if only I’d known what God was about to do through me.”

Old Stuff

I have a bazillion Word files on my computer. Some of them have made the transition from one computer to another more than once. Some of them are kinda stupid, and some of them are important, like my English papers and my autobiography I had to write when I got my black belt. I was going through these, trying to find an unfinished document to work with and change into a nice blog post, but instead, I found a collection of my old poems. It was incredible to go through these, reliving the hurt and the thoughts going through me almost three years ago. One of the many benefits to being a writer is that…well…I write. I write out everything on my mind, especially when I’m sad. I was very sad when I wrote most of these poems, and although I don’t feel this way often anymore, they still accurately describe my inner most parts. Some of them I scribbled in a notebook or on some other scrap of paper before I eventually copied all of them on my computer.

Below are some of the best ones, with a few modifications (they are highly personal after all). Some of them are 100% true, while some of them are inspired by real events. All of them were written by me, so please don’t copy them without permission! With that said, enjoy this glance into my heart.

Prayer for a Friend
I’m so lonely God
It feels like there’s no one who wants to be my friend
There’s no one who’s even close to being like me
Someone I can talk to
Someone I can hang out with
Someone I can share things with
Lord, I’ve drawn closer to you since I’ve moved here
I thank you for that, for saving me from things much worse
For indeed I was headed down that path
But it’s tempting me again
I have no one to come along side me
To lift me up
To understand
I don’t care what they look like God
I don’t care what they’ve been through
If we can get along Lord, send me that person
So we can be there for each other
So we can help each other grow closer to you
Someone who doesn’t care about my faults
Or cares what I’m into
Who has the same passions I do
Lord, please
It’s so hard being here on my own
Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it
I’m not asking for much Lord
Not a whole youth group of friends
Just one person
Please Lord
Just one

Deathly Heartbroken
Sleeping alone has gotten so hard
Since the day you left me with no regard
For my soul or life we had
Together we were not so bad
If there could be one reason why
You left me hanging with a lowly sigh
You showed no remorse, regret or loss
Dripping wet with pain, my eyes are like smooth gloss
I cried so many nights for you
Lost so many tears, and what did you do?
You left me, forever and always
Not looking back, while your lover cries
What was the point of all this?
Was it to leave in the middle of wonderful bliss?
I thought you were the one
But now I’m entirely numb
With grief over the way you used me
I should have been the first to flee
From your deceptive grip
Your gentle lips
And most of all
Your overflowing gall
To do what you did to me
Sleeping alone has gotten so hard
Since the day you left me with no regard

6-24-09
I feel all alone
I wish I had someone to talk to
Someone who really cared and listened like they did
I wish I had someone to talk to
Without all the criticism and anger
I wish someone understood
And would always be there no matter what
I wish there was someone I couldn’t get grounded from
Who could know when I felt pain
Who could tell me they loved me
And help me to get back on the right path again
I wish such a person like this existed in the world
Because so far they’ve all let me down
They’ve proven themselves to be unfaithful
There are bigger problems than me in their eyes
There’s never enough time
I wish I had someone who had enough time
Who saw past all my imperfections and hurts
They’d say it’s O.K. and it made no difference
Because they loved me anyway I was
I wish that my foolish dreams could be let out
Without shame or regret
And someone could listen and understand it all
And then they’d get excited with me
We’d laugh about nothing at all
I hope I remember what laughter is
When this person comes into my life
I think I will because that’s what I live for
I live to give others the gift of laughter
And I want someone to understand this
The fact that I live for the joy laughter brings
They won’t think it’s stupid
Because all they want is to make me laugh too

Silent One
Silent one
How I wish I could hold you
Let you know it’s OK
Rejected too many times
By the ones you thought would care
It’s not true what they say
About life being easy for us
It’s the biggest lie they’ve ever told us
It causes us to look forward to this time
But when we arrive we discover the truth
Silent one
Don’t cry any longer
Your face may be dry
But inside your heart is drowning
Forgotten and lost
Abandoned and hurt
There’s still hope for you yet
If I had the bravery to come to you
I would, I promise
But I’m just as broken as you
Silent one
Hold on for just another day
Don’t give in to the pressure
Find that last bit of strength
And push through that day
That day you swore you’d end it all
An end to this pain in a bottle
It’s not what it seems
There’s so much more for you here
Lord, give me the strength
To reach that person
Silent one they may be

Stay Strong, Beloved
A beautiful moment of peace
Relieving you of all the hurt and trouble of this world
You know you must return to that dark place of suffering soon
My love, the time is now nearer than ever
But take heart, and don’t be afraid
Fight for what you believe in
Stay true to the faith
Watch, the darkness is even now filling this place
Illuminate that world
That world of distrust in everyone
Trust in nothing
Only in the One who created trust
When your closest companions turn to the ways of the evil one
Never give up
Never follow them to that place
They know not what they do
Indulging in intoxicating liquids to relax their mind
And forget about the world
Slowly falling apart all around them
Taking part in sweet love
Never knowing its real meaning
Don’t go there with them
The time has come for us to part
But hold back those tears of longing
It will never be the way we wish
But it will always be worth it
Goodbye beloved, and stay strong

7-11-09
I don’t understand those people
Those people that have it all together
Who are never in trouble
Who never feel the need to cry
I want to know why I can’t seem to get it right
Why everyone is always mad at me
Why am I so stupid?
It’s like it’s in my blood
No matter how hard I try
No matter what I do
Nothing ever changes
The world is a big place
But I feel I’m missing it
I’m afraid I’ll be stuck here forever
And I’ll never know what life is like
I’ll never know how it feels
To have someone cheer you on when you need help
I’ll never know how it feels
To really be loved with a love that takes action
I find comfort in listening to other people
To hear out their problems and hurts
Because I know what it’s like and much worse
To go through things you can’t pull through
But yet I’m still here
I’m still fighting this fight
When it’ll be over I don’t know
But I hope it ends soon
I’m not sure I can take much more
But there are people who need me
I can’t let them down
The greatest pain you can feel is being let down
I can’t let them down
Lord, help me


This last poem is perhaps the most special. I wrote it right after I re-dedicated my life to the Lord. I don’t remember the exact date, but I believe I was sixteen, so I’m guessing it was around the spring of 2010. The funny thing is, this poem was one of the last I wrote in my poem book, and I have a feeling it’s because I write poems when I’m sad. Maybe I’ll write in it again with my new feelings of joy.

Space to breath freely again
Space to breath freely again
No more trying, only doing
No more wanting, only having
For the first time I feel truly free
I can breathe on my own
I can see the reason
This is my new start
I’m doing it again
Rededicate myself to you
All of it this time
Everything I hid before
All the things I thought I could never overcome
Yet here I am
They are no longer a part of me
They don’t control me!
I don’t need them
I’m joyful, changed, forgiven

That's Offensive

I listen to a very interesting DJ on Air 1 every afternoon. By interesting I mean having unusual and bold beliefs. Hardly a day goes by where he doesn’t leave me pondering my faith in a way I never thought of before. I wouldn’t say I totally agree with everything he says, but none if it is wrong, I just wouldn’t stand behind it as strongly as he does. The other day, however, he sad something that I not only agreed with whole-heartedly, but that can apply to something in my life that’s been bothering me.

I don’t remember the story exactly, but basically he said that Christians shouldn’t be easily offended. People are always fighting over religious matters because they’re “offended”, have you noticed this? Especially around Christmas time. People are offended if you do or do not have a Christmas tree. They argue about Christmas lights. They even get into heated debates on celebrating Christmas at all. I love Christmas, and the right and wrong things about the holiday could fill a book, so I’ll not talk about it now. But the main point is, we are offended by the things other people do that we don’t necessarily agree with.

I’m one of those people that don’t really care about the things people do. If you want to have a Christmas tree, fine. If you like turkey over ham, fine. If you despise bacon, not fine. But it’s your life, not mine. When it comes to my faith, I’ll definitely stand for what I believe in, but I won’t force you to follow in my path. I’m not going to make you read the bible or go to church or pray. I’ll simply make sure I’m faithfully doing these things in my own life, and letting them positively effect the way I live my life and the way I treat you. It’s living by example rather than by force.

But back to the whole offended thing…Christmas is an awesome holiday for sure, but I always despise when it comes time to get together with the family, and I know I’m not the only one. I’m looked down on because I’m home schooled, because I’m not in college and don’t intend on going anytime soon, because I’m not super fit, and even because of my faith. I can feel my inferiority the second I walk into the door. I know none of these things are worth being bothered about, but still, it hurt to be treated like I’m not good enough, that my relatives are better than me because they do this and I don’t, and my years and years of spiritual upbringing aren’t as important as my education. I hate it.

Read my words again: aren’t I being easily offended? All of these things have benefits that far outweigh the things I don’t have. My schooling, for example. My awesome mother not only stayed home with me and my siblings for many years to school us, but now she works and takes the time to home school us because she wants us to be brought up without the pollution of the world. Nothing is wrong with public school kids, I know quite a few incredible people that were or are public schooled. But I personally would not have survived it there. I give in easily to pressure, I have an obsessive personality, and I’m curious. Just these things alone would have gotten me into so much trouble before I reached eighth grade. Instead, because of my mom’s choice to love her children more than her career or money, I’m being taught to use my flaws for God’s glory, to be easily pressured to love Him more, to obsess over Him, and to be so curious about Him that I learn more about His love everyday.

Never, never should I feel hurt because someone doesn’t approve of my faith. It doesn’t matter if it’s someone I love or someone I hate, I should never be ashamed of the Lord. I should never be offended because someone says something not so nice about my faith. Was Jesus offended when the people spat on him as he carried his cross up the mountain? When the people he was about to save called him names and kicked mud in his face, did he say to them, “I don’t like that, would you please take your anti-religious beliefs elsewhere?” No, he kept going, and as he was dying, he cried out to his Father to forgive them. That is the ultimate example that we should follow. When people don’t accept me because I pray before my meal, or because I refuse to engage in pre-marital sex, or because I care about the well being of others more than myself, I shouldn’t let it get to me. I shouldn’t hold it against them, and I should definitely not let it bother me. I’m not ashamed of Jesus Christ, and I hope you make this choice with me. It’s not the popular thing to do, but it’s definitely how we as Christians should be conducting ourselves.

I don’t give a dookey about what anyone else thinks.