Problems and Answers

Empty.

I just feel empty. The things that filled me up are gone, and I can’t find anything to replace them with. The things I do have all seem so far away, too far to find the comfort I need. For three years now, I’ve tried to let people in. I’ve tried to love like I need to be loved in return, but I’ve been hurt too bad to truly let anyone into my heart.

I can count the people I trust and know really care about me on one hand. Most of them are more than an hour away from me. I’m just tired of trying to be alright. I’m tired of trying to act like everything’s fine. But mostly, I’m tired of being told it’s my fault. It wasn’t my choice to be where I am now! If I’d had any say in things, I’m sure I’d be in a very different place right now. The walls I’ve built around my heart are my fault, yes. I’ll admit to that. But I built them because of circumstances that had nothing to do with my decisions. I’m the one left cleaning up the mess made from other people’s actions, and I hate it. I’m told not to do this or that, because I’ll just make mistakes of my own. But I’d much rather be cleaning up my own mess than taking the heat for everybody else’s.

I just want to know what God’s doing. I know that in His perfect timing He’ll let me know what’s going on, but I feel so useless right now. I wonder if the world would really care if I disappeared. I wonder if I’ll ever make the impact I’ve always dreamed of making. My hopes and plans for the future all seem so out of reach right now.

I don’t have the answers. I wish I did. But there’s this verse that keeps coming up in Ephesians that says, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” I don’t know about you, but I tend to imagine some pretty big things. And therefore, I tend to ask God for some pretty big things. My dreams are far from being small. I think that’s the reason why I end up being so down most of the time. I have so many things that I want to accomplish in my lifetime, and sometimes those things seem so big or so far out of reach that I get discouraged. But It says right here in this verse, that God is able to do all that and more! He knows that I want to do all this crazy stuff for Him, but He also knows exactly what He wants me to do for Him. I have been praying about making a big step in my life that I know will help me better serve God in the areas He’s gifted me in, and I know God’s been telling me to do it. I know He’s got something ginormous for me to get done, and I think it’s going to be soon.

I’m probably sounding silly, having such a small problem with such a big answer. An answer I already know at that. But you know what? Life is hard. I know it, I’m sure you know it, and I just wanted to say that I’ve been there too. God never said in that verse that it was going to be easy. All He said is that it’s by His power that we will bring Him glory. I hope that someday, I can look back on this time and say, “Wow, if only I’d known what God was about to do through me.”