Old Stuff

I have a bazillion Word files on my computer. Some of them have made the transition from one computer to another more than once. Some of them are kinda stupid, and some of them are important, like my English papers and my autobiography I had to write when I got my black belt. I was going through these, trying to find an unfinished document to work with and change into a nice blog post, but instead, I found a collection of my old poems. It was incredible to go through these, reliving the hurt and the thoughts going through me almost three years ago. One of the many benefits to being a writer is that…well…I write. I write out everything on my mind, especially when I’m sad. I was very sad when I wrote most of these poems, and although I don’t feel this way often anymore, they still accurately describe my inner most parts. Some of them I scribbled in a notebook or on some other scrap of paper before I eventually copied all of them on my computer.

Below are some of the best ones, with a few modifications (they are highly personal after all). Some of them are 100% true, while some of them are inspired by real events. All of them were written by me, so please don’t copy them without permission! With that said, enjoy this glance into my heart.

Prayer for a Friend
I’m so lonely God
It feels like there’s no one who wants to be my friend
There’s no one who’s even close to being like me
Someone I can talk to
Someone I can hang out with
Someone I can share things with
Lord, I’ve drawn closer to you since I’ve moved here
I thank you for that, for saving me from things much worse
For indeed I was headed down that path
But it’s tempting me again
I have no one to come along side me
To lift me up
To understand
I don’t care what they look like God
I don’t care what they’ve been through
If we can get along Lord, send me that person
So we can be there for each other
So we can help each other grow closer to you
Someone who doesn’t care about my faults
Or cares what I’m into
Who has the same passions I do
Lord, please
It’s so hard being here on my own
Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it
I’m not asking for much Lord
Not a whole youth group of friends
Just one person
Please Lord
Just one

Deathly Heartbroken
Sleeping alone has gotten so hard
Since the day you left me with no regard
For my soul or life we had
Together we were not so bad
If there could be one reason why
You left me hanging with a lowly sigh
You showed no remorse, regret or loss
Dripping wet with pain, my eyes are like smooth gloss
I cried so many nights for you
Lost so many tears, and what did you do?
You left me, forever and always
Not looking back, while your lover cries
What was the point of all this?
Was it to leave in the middle of wonderful bliss?
I thought you were the one
But now I’m entirely numb
With grief over the way you used me
I should have been the first to flee
From your deceptive grip
Your gentle lips
And most of all
Your overflowing gall
To do what you did to me
Sleeping alone has gotten so hard
Since the day you left me with no regard

6-24-09
I feel all alone
I wish I had someone to talk to
Someone who really cared and listened like they did
I wish I had someone to talk to
Without all the criticism and anger
I wish someone understood
And would always be there no matter what
I wish there was someone I couldn’t get grounded from
Who could know when I felt pain
Who could tell me they loved me
And help me to get back on the right path again
I wish such a person like this existed in the world
Because so far they’ve all let me down
They’ve proven themselves to be unfaithful
There are bigger problems than me in their eyes
There’s never enough time
I wish I had someone who had enough time
Who saw past all my imperfections and hurts
They’d say it’s O.K. and it made no difference
Because they loved me anyway I was
I wish that my foolish dreams could be let out
Without shame or regret
And someone could listen and understand it all
And then they’d get excited with me
We’d laugh about nothing at all
I hope I remember what laughter is
When this person comes into my life
I think I will because that’s what I live for
I live to give others the gift of laughter
And I want someone to understand this
The fact that I live for the joy laughter brings
They won’t think it’s stupid
Because all they want is to make me laugh too

Silent One
Silent one
How I wish I could hold you
Let you know it’s OK
Rejected too many times
By the ones you thought would care
It’s not true what they say
About life being easy for us
It’s the biggest lie they’ve ever told us
It causes us to look forward to this time
But when we arrive we discover the truth
Silent one
Don’t cry any longer
Your face may be dry
But inside your heart is drowning
Forgotten and lost
Abandoned and hurt
There’s still hope for you yet
If I had the bravery to come to you
I would, I promise
But I’m just as broken as you
Silent one
Hold on for just another day
Don’t give in to the pressure
Find that last bit of strength
And push through that day
That day you swore you’d end it all
An end to this pain in a bottle
It’s not what it seems
There’s so much more for you here
Lord, give me the strength
To reach that person
Silent one they may be

Stay Strong, Beloved
A beautiful moment of peace
Relieving you of all the hurt and trouble of this world
You know you must return to that dark place of suffering soon
My love, the time is now nearer than ever
But take heart, and don’t be afraid
Fight for what you believe in
Stay true to the faith
Watch, the darkness is even now filling this place
Illuminate that world
That world of distrust in everyone
Trust in nothing
Only in the One who created trust
When your closest companions turn to the ways of the evil one
Never give up
Never follow them to that place
They know not what they do
Indulging in intoxicating liquids to relax their mind
And forget about the world
Slowly falling apart all around them
Taking part in sweet love
Never knowing its real meaning
Don’t go there with them
The time has come for us to part
But hold back those tears of longing
It will never be the way we wish
But it will always be worth it
Goodbye beloved, and stay strong

7-11-09
I don’t understand those people
Those people that have it all together
Who are never in trouble
Who never feel the need to cry
I want to know why I can’t seem to get it right
Why everyone is always mad at me
Why am I so stupid?
It’s like it’s in my blood
No matter how hard I try
No matter what I do
Nothing ever changes
The world is a big place
But I feel I’m missing it
I’m afraid I’ll be stuck here forever
And I’ll never know what life is like
I’ll never know how it feels
To have someone cheer you on when you need help
I’ll never know how it feels
To really be loved with a love that takes action
I find comfort in listening to other people
To hear out their problems and hurts
Because I know what it’s like and much worse
To go through things you can’t pull through
But yet I’m still here
I’m still fighting this fight
When it’ll be over I don’t know
But I hope it ends soon
I’m not sure I can take much more
But there are people who need me
I can’t let them down
The greatest pain you can feel is being let down
I can’t let them down
Lord, help me


This last poem is perhaps the most special. I wrote it right after I re-dedicated my life to the Lord. I don’t remember the exact date, but I believe I was sixteen, so I’m guessing it was around the spring of 2010. The funny thing is, this poem was one of the last I wrote in my poem book, and I have a feeling it’s because I write poems when I’m sad. Maybe I’ll write in it again with my new feelings of joy.

Space to breath freely again
Space to breath freely again
No more trying, only doing
No more wanting, only having
For the first time I feel truly free
I can breathe on my own
I can see the reason
This is my new start
I’m doing it again
Rededicate myself to you
All of it this time
Everything I hid before
All the things I thought I could never overcome
Yet here I am
They are no longer a part of me
They don’t control me!
I don’t need them
I’m joyful, changed, forgiven