A Change of Mind

Yesterday, I was talking to a good friend of mine about how past feelings and emotions sometimes re-surface, no matter how badly we want them to go away. I agreed with him, since I knew some horrible emotions from my past often showed themselves when I least expected it. He said we could never fully supress them, once we go through something, it's with us for the rest of our lives.

I got to thinking later that day about how a lot of my old negative feelings hadn't come around lately. I began to feel slightly proud about it, until right now, when I woke up in the middle of the night, sweating, heart pounding, senseless fear over I knew not what. It was a panic attack. I was having my first one in a long time.

Although I was able to stop it rather quickly by distracting my mind, I couldn't help but laugh at myself over thinking I was getting better at this whole emotions thing. I'm just as vulnerable to them now as I was back then, and I'll always be. Maybe it's not a matter of completely overcoming, but of slowly replacing.

See, a lot of good things have happened to me in the past three months. I've had a lot of positive change, positive emotions, and healed relationships. I felt like I was getting better at just being happy for all the things God has blessed me with. Although there hadn't been too many outside changes, I still allowed my thoughts, my actions, and my words to be positive. It was an internal change. This is why I think most of the negative stuff from my past almost entirely went away, or if it did try to come back, I was much better at changing the outcome.

I didn't do anything specifically to get rid of the negative. I simply decided to fill my head with positive things. There's no room for sadness when you're happy. They can't co-exist inside your mind. When you feel the bad thing rising, immediately replace them with good. That's the only way you can guarantee a change.

God actually gives us a bit of help with this in His word. "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -think about such things." (Philippians 4:8) I'm guessing the creator of our minds knew it was best for the most defining part of our bodies to be filled with the positive. Our actions, our personalities, everything starts there, and if it's not something good, we're going to get undesirable results.

If it helps, maybe something you could do to get your mind back in the right mindset (because being positive is beneficial for more than just getting rid of negative feelings), you could make a list of things that make you happy. Maybe it's a person, a phrase, an accomplishment you had, or anything that fits the description of Philippians 4:8. Put it somewhere you can see it often, and read it while you smile.

We Can Get Better At This

My last relationship...well, long story short, it left me scared. I try my hardest not to bring that emotional garbage into my new relationship, but sometimes, it comes through despite my efforts. It's frustrating, but it helps if I get past my pride, and ask my boyfriend Kelby if there's things in my life that he dislikes in me. No one sees you quite as well as your significant other. Besides you, they spend the most time around you. They know your deepest, darkest secrets. They know YOU for who you are, and not who you try to be.

It hurts to have someone tell you what you're lacking, or what you do too much of. But it was a real wake up to me when I realized that yeah, I do have those not so nice traits. And more importantly, that I can fix them. The two Kelby mentioned to me have been a part of my personality since I was little. So they won't go away, even if I tried. But I don't have to accept them as a bad part of me. I can use those traits for good. I can rewrite the program.

I guess most of this desire to be different, to get better at this, is because I'm really determined to make this relationship work. I know trying too hard at something can sometimes have the opposite effect you desire, but instead of working on "us" this time around, I'm more focused on me. How can I better myself for him? That's why I ask him if there's things I need to change. That's why I try my hardest to make sure all my qualities, both good and bad, are working to make me into a better person and not just coming out as expressions of my personality.

The most important thing is to make sure you're not just relying on your own strength to make these changes. No one can make you into a better person quite like God can. Learning to give all my problems, all my cares, and all my goals over to Him in this process has been a learning experience for sure. Kelby isn't the only reason I want to change, but, for example, instead of pushing with all my might to make this work, I've been surrendering everything to God. Instead of praying, "Lord, give me strength to keep pushing," I'm praying "Lord, change me into the person you want me to be, and let my relationship work out the way You want it to." It takes more faith than I'm usually willing to give, but I truly believe I can get better at this. I think that this year will be less about me making my life better, and more about Him taking control over everything.