June 21, 2006

A lot of you might not know this, or if you do you have been so kind as to not bring it up around me, but five years ago today, my second brother was born. If you've ever met my family, you know that I have two younger sisters and ONE younger brother, so a mention of a second brother might come as a shock. The reason you've never heard of my little brother Peter, is because he no longer lives here on earth, but in heaven with his creator.

This is going to be the first time I really come out and say anything about it. I think after five years, I'm finally brave enough to talk about it. God uses every situation, even the passing of little brothers, for His glory, and I'm hoping through Peter's story, you can see one of the many times that has happened in my life.

I was twelve when he was born. It was a crazy day, to say the least. I don't think it's necessary to go into the details of that day, but compilations required an unplanned hospital visit (he was supposed to be born at home like my first brother), and the loss of my brother's life.

We held him for a long time that day, looking at his features, rubbing his hair, talking to him. He looked so much like he was sleeping, and I'd like to believe he was. He woke up for the first time in the arms of his Father, his true eternal Father.

I cried at the hospital, that's to be expected I guess. I cried at his funeral. I hugged my family that had come to say goodbye to this relative they had never met. It hurt, nothing has ever felt worse in my whole life since then, and I wanted more than anything to make it go away. I buried within myself, not talking to anyone about it, not looking at Peter's grave stone, nothing. I thought if I could only keep him out of mind, I could forget about it and move on. I tried so hard sometimes to pretend like nothing was wrong, but there was a lot of instances where I lost it in front of family or friends.

I did get over it for the most part. I was entering a crucial stage in my life, and things were happening that helped me to keep my mind off my brother. Much to my relief, I didn't have to try anymore. I thought this was the end of it. Peter was a memory, a family member that had gone on before me, and I was better now.

That wasn't the end though. As my relationship with God, my personality, and my situation drastically changed in the years following, I have been thinking of Peter in different ways. I've mostly been wondering why. It's not an angry question, but more of a curious question. I find myself saying, "Why God? What purpose did my brother's life serve to me?" I knew there must be a reason, a cause, something behind this experience.

I blogged about my Jeremy Camp concert not too long ago. What I didn't mention was something special that happened that night, a sort of realization, an answer to a question I guess you could say. If you don't know this man's story, you should go find it somewhere, because I don't want to ruin the story in any way. All you need to know is that he has experience with loss in his life as well, and he talks about it a lot. He talked about it both times I've seen him, and both times I thought of my brother. But the most recent time I saw him, he talked about how even death could become a good thing. If one person dies, isn't it worth it if one person could come to the realization of the Truth because of it?

If one person, only one, were to hear my brother's story and accept their savior because of it, then the short life he lived would be worth it. That was the thought I dwelled on for the remainder of the concert. I might never know who came into contact with my family and my brother that day. I may never meet some of the doctors and nurses that were on duty on June 21 five years ago. But if only one of them started searching because of what happened........

I hope that my brother's story impacts you in some way today. I pray that you can see my hope of seeing him again someday, that you can sense how much I loved him, that you can realize that God brings beauty out of pain. Sure, this may be hard for me, but if God can use me and my brother to bring people to Christ, then I would do it all over again. His life shows that God counted me worthy to suffer for his name, God knew I was strong enough to handle this, and he knew that it would help me, even five years later, to see his awesome power at work in the life of someone as shy and introverted as I am. I don't ask why anymore, because all that shows is a lack of faith in my Father in this situation. God has done awesome things in my life, and you better believe that he can do awesome things in your life as well.

It's my prayer that you can read my story today and be encouraged. I pray that if you haven't experienced God's power in your life yet, that you will allow Him in. I pray that you stop faking, that you stop hurting, that you stop pretending, and make this real. But mostly I pray that my brother's life makes a difference in this world, no matter how small.

If you want to talk to me more about my brother, I'd be glad to talk. If you have questions, I'd be glad to answer. Comment them, post them on my blog's Facebook wall, or send me an email if you wish. I'm here for you.

"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me,

if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me -

the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace."

Acts 20:24