?????????

For the first time in a long time, I had no idea what to write for this week's blog. It may have something to do with this being the first time I've had a release date, and of course I am totally without a topic. That's just the way it goes. But it's at times like these that I come up with my best stuff, when there's nothing hindering me from speaking what's already there. When I write a blog, or a paper, or a short story, there's always a topic, something that gives direction to the article of speech. There's a problem or a thought that is discussed, talked about, or simply dwelled apon. But this week, there was no such topic.

I waited, looked, and even prayed for a topic that would make the kind of impact I'm trying to acheive through my blog. I toyed with the idea of doing another blog about boys, but I didn't feel like this was the right time for me to be focusing on that. I considered a music video review, but I wanted something a little more serious than that. Basiclly, I have no topic. I'm just writing whatever comes out.

I know the exact reason why I'm finding it so hard to do something I would normally do with ease. I've gone from not being able to wait until Friday, to hoping I can write something decent and move on. I'm too distracted right now, too filled up with things I don't care to let out. And that's how I always wrote before; I let out what was inside. Sometimes what was inside was funny, so I wrote blogs on hair dryers and blowing stuff up. Sometimes what was inside was technical and needed to be worked out, so I wrote blogs on my new favorite band and why I'm OK with being single.

But right now, what's inside is......confusing. I don't know if I should be happy and sing along to FM Static, if I should be at peace and listen to some Brandon Heath, or if I should be sad and tune into the old Skillet. Reguardless, I think it's clear that I turn to music to try to understand things. It takes my mind off the compexity of my thoughts and turns it to what other people think or feel. I've gone from crying out to God to help me work through this, to thanking him for where I'm at right now. I don't even try to sleep, because I know there's no way my mind will be quiet long enough.

Mostly I'm desiring peace (looks like you win Brandon). I want so much right now to know that everything is going to turn out OK. I want to know that every choice I make will be the right one. I want so badly for every little detail to be perfect, that I'll do anything it takes to get there. But the thing is, I can never be perfect. It isn't my design to do everything right. I am messed up with sin and the desires of my flesh, that every single little thing I do is wrong. The only way it can be right is if I allow God to take control. The only way things will work out is if I wait on HIS perfect timing. He knows exactly how my life will work out, from beginning to end. He knows all the things I'm feeling right now, he knows where it will take me, he knows EVERYTHING. The hard part is letting him have all of my life.

I sat outside on my porch tonight, praying, offering up all my life to God. I want him to have it, because I'm at the point where I know it's useless to try and do it by my own power. All the things I tried to do were fails. I've given up on me, and I'm turning it over to God.

Now, this is not to say that everything will be good from now on. I still get in the way regardless of how much I try to let God handle things. That's just the way I am. But I've been making a regular habit of gathering up the parts of my life I've taken repossession of and giving them back to the One who deserves them, the only One who won't misuse them. It's so hard. It's one of the hardest things to do. But it needs to be done, or else I could get hurt again, just like before.

Father, this life is yours. It's not my place to make the decisions around here. I need you to take all of it. Help me to give you all of it. There's some things I've been trying to hold on to, and it's like an infection, slowly killing me from the inside. Get rid of it Lord. I want no part of it.

I have a new thing in my life right now that needs more than anything to be handed over to God. I don't want my emotions or my thoughts to get the better of me, and eventually take over my actions. Lord, don't let me act rashly. Let me wait, and keep a beautiful friendship thriving. I have so much life ahead of me that I want you to own and use father. I have big dreams that I don't want messed up by a silly little thing.

Thank you father.

Huh, I already feel so much better.