Friday, January 11, 2013

We Can Get Better At This


My last relationship...well, long story short, it left me scared. I try my hardest not to bring that emotional garbage into my new relationship, but sometimes, it comes through despite my efforts. It's frustrating, but it helps if I get past my pride, and ask my boyfriend Kelby if there's things in my life that he dislikes in me. No one sees you quite as well as your significant other. Besides you, they spend the most time around you. They know your deepest, darkest secrets. They know YOU for who you are, and not who you try to be.

It hurts to have someone tell you what you're lacking, or what you do too much of. But it was a real wake up to me when I realized that yeah, I do have those not so nice traits. And more importantly, that I can fix them. The two Kelby mentioned to me have been a part of my personality since I was little. So they won't go away, even if I tried. But I don't have to accept them as a bad part of me. I can use those traits for good. I can rewrite the program.

I guess most of this desire to be different, to get better at this, is because I'm really determined to make this relationship work. I know trying too hard at something can sometimes have the opposite effect you desire, but instead of working on "us" this time around, I'm more focused on me. How can I better myself for him? That's why I ask him if there's things I need to change. That's why I try my hardest to make sure all my qualities, both good and bad, are working to make me into a better person and not just coming out as expressions of my personality.

The most important thing is to make sure you're not just relying on your own strength to make these changes. No one can make you into a better person quite like God can. Learning to give all my problems, all my cares, and all my goals over to Him in this process has been a learning experience for sure. Kelby isn't the only reason I want to change, but, for example, instead of pushing with all my might to make this work, I've been surrendering everything to God. Instead of praying, "Lord, give me strength to keep pushing," I'm praying "Lord, change me into the person you want me to be, and let my relationship work out the way You want it to." It takes more faith than I'm usually willing to give, but I truly believe I can get better at this. I think that this year will be less about me making my life better, and more about Him taking control over everything. 

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